Parenting is not an easy ride. It comes with all sort of bumps and challenges. Over these years of motherhood, I have learnt many things, different horizons of parenting and a variety of perspectives.
You can not get an apple from the seed of Strawberry. Similarly, your child is a fusion of the behaviors he has seen, learnt, and acquire from the immediate, and extended family members.
We are the shepherds of our own flock so we can not alter someone’s else behavior. I used to think that if you can not beat with, join them. i thought of teaming up with the ones to prevent kids from their temper issues. But I failed badly. this lead to me becoming what i wanted to kids protected from.
Parenting- exercise of power!
Our elders think that parenting is all about control and dictating your little versions. it is all about exercising your power. I am guilty of adapting same to avoid listening to long hour lectures on my mode of parenting. They say i am ruining my kids by allowing them to step over me. I have no control over them etc etc.
Stick to your ideology
When my first one was born. I decided to work on to build his deen and the dunya will follow eventually. I tried to make his heart fall in love with Quran and prophets. When kids like something, they connect with it. I succeeded, my son has love for Quran as he thinks it is a book of magical stories of prophets. Recently, i was ridiculed and accused of nurturing him with stories. I was told that I fly in sky and my kid has no knowledge of the roots. I have involved him in stories and he knows nothing else. My strategy was mocked in front of my child. I was devastated and heartbroken yet for the this time i was sure of my strategy being right. People think and act from their own frame of mind. So let others be stuck with their own preferences. The younger age is very receptive to these kinda tales as they are already bombarded with filthy cartoons, there is a dire need of healthy substitutes.
The three rules
Most of us our guilty of doing these three things which are a big no. I am guilty too. The three big destructive tools are yelling, verbal abusing, and hitting.
When the kids are in their mode of fight and flight, instead of open a communication. We are more concerned in getting the things done by hook or by crook. When they resist and turn a deaf ear too, we start with yelling. Their constant cry and refusal of our wish, make us more frustrated and then we shift to the second stage of verbal abuse. Being the primary caregiver, the words we utter, hit them hard. We spoil their self esteem and personality. then we land on to the last stage of do what i say by hitting them physically.
This is not me. This is not my mothering style. I ma aware of the damage this will do. I am observing the negative changes in my child . Then why i m still opting for this all?
But why do i still do it?
Because i am myself hurt from inside. Myself issues need a ventilation. My soul needs to be lighten. The pilled up issues are making me vulnerable. So before i search for the ways to rectify the bad behaviors of my child, I first need to heal myself. Every good change has a cost. A lot of sacrifice is required to make this worthy change.
Obedience Vs Morality
I read a line by H.L. Mencken that Morality is doing what is right, no matter what you are told. Obedience is doing what you are told, no matter what is right. This changed my whole perspective of raising obedient kids. instead of obedience, instill moral vales. Let they not be conformist by blindly following the mass even if it is heading to wrong directions.
We need to hold our grounds tightly. Take the positive feedback but do not let the nasty comments spoil your vision. A healthy and emotional stable us is what our kids need.